All those places I went searching for my confidence…

This is an excerpt from the Research published at International Coach Academy. The original article can be found here.

Back to school searching for confidence

Traditional business schools and MBA programs rigorously teach the notion of Confidence to future leaders via lectures and reading materials. Had this sufficed, then I would certainly not be questioning my confidence now. A diligent A-student focusing predominantly on Leadership disciplines, I do know the definition of Confidence like the back of my hand. In the contemporary business world, Confidence hinges upon the notion of Executive or Leadership Presence. Quite often, these two concepts would be used interchangeably.

Meanwhile, […] there is a slight distinction in how presence is perceived and presented by the business society versus the community of spiritual teachers, authors, influencers, and coaches. This variance, albeit hardly tangible, profoundly impacts students’ ability to not only embrace the virtue of presence cognitively but also embrace the new behavior at the body level, so that true internal presence transforms in the second nature.

Let’s take a more in-depth look at the perception of confidence in the business world, the place were leaders often so desperately chase it. With a myriad of ways to describe confidence, as well as presence, I find the definition offered in the book “Executive Presence: The Missing Link Between Merit and Success” by Sylvia Ann Hewlett most appealing. According to Hewlett, executive presence rests on three pillars:

• Gravitas or the way we act. It includes resilience, especially when handling hardships or wading through tough decisions; courage projected by us when sharing unpopular ideas; the level of emotional intelligence and self-management.
• Communication or the way we speak. Here, in addition to overall speaking capabilities and techniques, a directness in speech and assertiveness in manners are assessed. Yet, positive body language, the ability to demonstrate empathy while strengthening the connection with others, as well as true authenticity are strongly appreciated.
• Appearance or the way we look. Hewlett argues a groomed, polished look gives an edge over physical beauty, youth, height, or weight.

The author’s idea that nowadays calm, confident, and assertive leaders are in favor (e.g., Former U.S. President Barack Obama), as opposed to the archaic approach portraying a leader as either tough and ruthless (think Joseph Stalin) or even charismatic (like Steve Jobs), appeals to me. And I totally get it. On the one hand, the above concept seems perfectly fine depicting an ideal image of a top-notch, confident leader, or in my case a confident coach […] or overall as a business owner. Still, why is that despite the complete grasp of the concept I was not quite there yet?

Perhaps, it is because any theoretical model in its core feels slightly artificial and foreign when we try to comprehend it solely with our minds. Whereas we certainly can’t deny the role the mind plays in learning, humanity (especially the modern one with the smartphone in their hands 24/7 believing they got all the answers) often remains ignorant about how complex the rest of our body as a living organism is. In addition, could it be that any theory aimed at presenting such a broad notion as presence merely touches the surface of something more fundamental, even primal? Something that is located at the heart level or even deeper, at another vast nervous center – yes, the guts.

When Mind Meets Guts

Before they suddenly decided that it’s about time to adopt a new more confident behavior, adult human beings had been learning certain behavioral patterns for quite a long period, which boils down to the fact that the neurons in the nervous system built firm networks of usual convenient paths when responding to certain triggers. This phenomenon sometimes is referred to as “following your gut.” To aggravate the ordeal of overcoming the learned patterns, in the moments when we would welcome our confidence most (in the scenario of a beginner-coach we talk about the first months of practice or a discovery session with a potential client), we are farther away from feeling confident than ever… The amygdala, the fear center of the brain, sends a signal of danger, preventing the prefrontal cortex, the analytical part of the brain, from doing its job. Overlooking the coaching agreement part, dwelling on unnecessary thoughts or conclusions and thus not releasing judgment in a timely manner, forgetting the tools we planned to use, or vainly scrabbling for that powerful question only to never find one would exemplify the case when fresh coach’s mind is trapped. Apprehensive and nervous, we go into the “fight or flight’ mode while fidgeting and rambling non-stop or freeze in silence begging for all this to be over.

Moving on. With all that in mind, the question becomes whether one is actually able to learn confidence from textbooks? I believe the answer is no. Whereas one can understand the general idea of how a confident person is supposed to act, and even teach it to others, it does not guarantee one truly feels confident or present inside, on the body cells level, and as such cannot physically project confidence to others albeit for a brief period of time. Hence, it is next to impossible to embrace confidence or presence as our second nature by purely memorizing the definition…

Practice Makes Perfect

At this point, one could argue, “Well, why not just start practicing?” Indeed, as Tomas Leonard, one of the fathers of coaching discipline, skillfully outlined his own strategy: “I would go out of my way to find and coach 100 individuals over the next two years. That’s IT. That’s all I would do. They could pay me or not. Some clients would last a single session, others the full 2 years. But I would know that if I coached 100 people that the following would likely happen: …I would learn SO much from these 100 people that I would develop confidence in my abilities.”

Without a shadow of a doubt, such an approach will help build the much-needed courage muscle. Simply through practice and repetition, and then even more practice, we gradually stretch the boundaries of our comfort zone and gain confidence in what we do. To enhance the positive effect, we can also keep on learning a bit more, reading a bit more, attending more classes, programs, seminars, and so on and so forth. Oh, this comforting “I am still learning” mode… Conveniently frees us from the need to take responsibility.

Despite the perfect sense both vigorous practice and perpetual expanding of one’s knowledge base make, the question […] remains open: what if I need my confidence this very moment when I am about to embark on my journey? Be it coaching, project management, entrepreneurship, a start-up and so on.

Fake It till You Make It

As per Aristotle, to be virtuous, one must act as a virtuous person would act. As an option, could we fake our confidence? We could even back it up with a bunch of most supportive positive affirmations, such as “I am always confident, calm, and relaxed when coaching a new client.” Though some claim such strategy works for them, as we discussed earlier, one can only fake it for a short time. Moreover, it requires a solid acting talent for a body to project pure confidence while the brain is jam-packed with misery, fear, or agitation. My personal experience proved this. Many times, after presenting in class at my MBA program or during the Toast Masters’ meeting, I would later receive positive feedback from my colleagues and even professors about my radiant presence and confidence they had observed. I believe the skill comes from my childhood experience dancing on stage. I call it acting or playing a role when I am “confident” but only to the point until someone or something unforeseen interferes my ideal, immaculately planned scenario. Say I learned my slides inside-out and then masterfully delivered the material. Nonetheless, I didn’t expect that tough question coming after, which undermined so polished confidence, did I?

Perform vs. Be 

What happened in reality, was that by faking it I “performed confidence”, but I was not confident. Hence, doubt, fear, and apprehension will not cease to exist until I finally make it to true confidence. As for positive affirmations, they tend to evaporate from memory in the presence of an unknown challenge for the reasons discussed earlier: the prefrontal cortex, responsible for recalling the affirmations, is hijacked.

Overall, all the strategies outlined above, seem to push solutions from the outside, as if trying to pull something over our bodies or squeeze it in our minds.

But what if we don’t need any external tools, or to fake anything? What if confidence is unconditionally present in us?

In coaching, there is no agenda or scenario, nothing to rehearse or plan ahead, but merely a present moment shared with the client. Thus, no performance will work when as coaches we need to “Be Presence.”

A coaching session is that moment when the coach’s confidence borns. And this is also the moment when the client steps into her own presence, confidence, and full potential.

Picture credits: pixaby.com